We can begin with a metaphor, but I’ll let you decide which one: how about Jekyll and Hyde? Or the double-edged sword? Let’s try it’s a fine line; or what about two sides of the same coin? Happy with those? Got an alternative? It doesn’t really matter. They all work in their own way and they all describe the aspect of my nature that is both the most and least useful. They help explain the best and worst part of my character: my saviour and my nemesis.
Worrying about stuff, any stuff, keeps me focussed. Being anxious makes me organised, helps keep me on top of things and able to keep going. It is my drive and my motivation.
Until it turns around and slaps me in the face.
Until it drives me to the top of my game then sends me hurtling back to the ground with a sickening thump.
Wanting to get it right, feeling the weight of responsibility, hankering to do things well, wanting to make good decisions and be an all round good person are amiable qualities.
Having to get it right, fearing the consequences of responsibility, needing to do things well, cowering at the idea of making a bad choice or being a bad person are attributes that are from amiable.
The dutiful soul that makes me check things carefully is the beast that leaves me doubting what’s done and what’s not.
The contentious mind that helps me create to-do lists is the nervous energy which leaves me with five to-do lists at the end of the week, rewritten and extended, too antsy to tick something off.
The ever-careful conscience that helps me make moral decisions is the paranoid inner-voice that whispers poisonous thoughts and doubts.
From careful to obsessive, alert to rabbit in the headlights, thoughtful to overthinking, the seesaw never stops. The best and the worst of me, yo-yoing back and forth.